Shit People Have Said Round #1

At a job, working as a waitress/server at a common chain restaurant.

Me: Here’s your salad. The rest of your food should be out shortly.

Customer: Um…Ma’am. My salad is cold.

Me:…. yes, the lettuce is refrigerated.

Customer: I didn’t know it was gonna be cold though.

Me:

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Situation #2:

Same job.

Me: Alright, here are your meals. Smoked salmon on cedar for you. Pasta primavera for you. (some other fancily named food for another 2 people)

(I walk away and come back about 10 minutes later)

Me: How is everything?

Customer: My fish tastes weird.

Me: I’m sorry about that, what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I don’t know. It just tastes kind of woody.

Me:…You got the smoked fish on cedar correct?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Well, the fish was cooked on the plank of cedar wood sitting there on your plate. It is supposed to have that flavor.

Customer: Well, why does it taste like wood though?

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At a receptionist job for a small, locally owned business

Customer: Wow, these colors sure are pretty (referring to something on sale)

Me: Yep, they sure are. Will you be paying by check, card, or cash today?

Customer: (Hands over card and begins to talk to another employee)

Me: (Ignoring their conversation as I process the payment)

Customer: HOLY CRAPOLA! No way did that happen

Extra Employee: (shaking her head in agreement) Yeah, I know. I can’t believe it either.

Me: (thoughts: you did NOT just say that. WTF. If you can’t fucking cuss like an adult don’t even try. Your fake ass shit cursing is not acceptable) (Stares at customer until she looks at me then hands back her card)

Customer: (referring to conversation I had ignored) Can you believe that?

Me: (can I believe that you just shit your fake ass curse word all over my desk and the sanctity of the fucking cursing nation. I want to physically fight you, you ignorant savage.) Nope, can’t believe it.

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Working in a computer lab

Patron: Can I print in color?

Me: Of course, it’s 50 cents per color page. You’ll just click on the color laser printer as your printer and when you click send you’ll have to type in a password and print job name.

Patron: Watches me and her boyfriend print out the document that she needs to print.

Me: Alright, we’ll just go print it out now.

Patron: How do I print it out? (gestures to computer) Which printer do I choose?

Me: (How the fuck can someone so fucking stupid even exist in this world? Did you literally just turn off your brain cells or were you born without them?) Ma’am, we’ve already printed your documents.

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